Megaconspiracy places Plunger at the Heart of the Universe

The Plungercentric Cosmology is based on ancient wisdom, modern science, and flimsy conjecture.  As the father of modern philosophy Aristotle would have it, the Earth is at the Universe’s core with everything else rotating around it; the moon, the sun, the planets, everything, all mounted on enormous crystal spheres.  

Everything, that is, except the stars, which are tacked on to the edge of the universe.  The more earthy and unlike the fixed, perfect stars, the more central to the universe.  The volatile, low-fi ramblings of  the Plunger make it seem a likely candidate for the galactic epicentre; but let’s not be too hasty – not yet.  

The order of crystal spheres, from Earth to the non  ens (non-being) outside the universe, goes thusly:
1)The Plunger Music Label; 2) The Earth; 3) The Moon; 4) Mercury; 5) Venus; 6) The Sun; 7) Mars; 8) Jupiter; 9) Neptune; 10) Uranus; 11) Pluto; 12) The Stars and The Edge of The Universe; 13) The Non Ens, The Void, The Total Chaos of Unimaginable Nothingness.

In biblical terms, numbers have cosmic significance - could they here? 1 is the number for Unity, and here it marks the single point in space that is Plunger, first in Aristotle’s sequence.  6 is for Man in Sin, and denotes here The Sun, often worshipped by religions Christianity wants to suppress.  13 is the number of Sin, Rebellion and Satan, and clearly points out the Non Ens, the terrible void that anti-lurks beyond the veil of Reality.  Combined, the ancient secrets of the Bible and the astronomic wisdom of the Greeks make a powerful argument for cosmic conspiracy.  

1) Coincidence; or Predestination?

But that’s not all.  The crystal spheres that rotate the planets are spheres for a reason; to the Greek sages of long ago, the circle is perfect, for it has no sides, no edges, no corners and no unpleasant odour.  The universe is perfect; it is a sphere.  The head of an ordinary plumbers’ plunger is shaped like half a sphere, known to the Greeks as hemispheres; and this hemisphere, when correctly applied, fits directly into the pure circle that is the sound hole in a guitar.  Even stranger, and even more baffling in light of the laws of statistics, is that this hallowed combination, of hemisphere and circle, appear on the Plunger logo, entirely by coincidence.  

Aristotle split the universe into two realms, the Celestial Realm and the Terrestrial Realm. In the Celestial Realm, movement is predictable, regular, circular, perfect, and is restricted to a verse/chorus format.  In the Terrestrial Realm, however, movement is unpredictable, irregular, imperfect, and has no chance of actually making a living out of making music because of the goddamn awful noise it makes.  One finds that as one gets nearer and nearer Guitar and Plunger Studios, the more one can palpably feel the rampant chaos, the swing and tilt of the universe as it spins.  This chaos we find at the Cosmic Core brings to mind the Ancient Ones that H. P. Lovecraft warned us of in his “fictions”; un-imaginable powers that slumber now, but will wake and return the universe to its Virgin State.  

H.P.Lovecraft’s father was a member of an Egyptian Lodge, where he learned true esoteric knowledge and managed to steal genuine fragments of the One True Necronomicon.  Are these Old Ones reclaiming the universe through the music of Guitar and Plunger Studios?  Or merely testing if the time is right?

2) Andrew Lloyd Webber?

In the days of Elizabeth the First, astrologers and mediums received details of the location of the Original Necronomicon, written in Enochian Runes, the language of angels.  Fragments of these texts still exist, and are kept in the British Museum in London; it is rumoured that the Original Necronomicon actually contains the entire Plunger catalogue, including bands that don’t yet exist.  Other rumours suggest that the book’s author, Abdul Alhazred, was one of the Bible’s first columnists, writing under a series of aliases until cutbacks forced the paper to adopt a more religious focus.  

Many researchers believe Enochian to actually be the language of the Atlanteans, while others insist the language is nothing more than an Ancient Ones’ code that turns the enormous crystalline universe that we inhabit into one whopping great big crystal radio set, from which they tune into signals from other big universes, tape them, and rerelease them as their own.   

Of course, the idea that the universe is bounded by utter chaos is about as new as the music in the latest Andrew Lloyd Webber stageshow; science propounds that the entire cosmos is based on complex chaotic algorithms, known commonly as fractal or chaos theory.  Already scientists have claimed that the atom, the brain, the stock market and the Wheel of Fortune are regulated by the laws of chaos; could fractal theory really be just another Enochian message?  Does fractal theory still work in the Non Ens outside the universe?  Is that where the Ancient Ones really live?  How much did Aristotle already know about chaos theory; and how?  Was he in contact with the Ancient Ones?

We may never know the answers to these questions, and more.  But you can rest assured that, here at the InterWebMegaLink, we’ll keep asking; long after the conversation has become boring, long after the joke has become dull, you know the InterWebMegaLink will be there.

first published in The Plunge #1, now out of print